Our therapists provide couples therapy in Anchorage, AK

David: My favorite approach to couples/marriage counseling comes from John and Julie Gottman, referred to as a Sound Marital House. I enjoy using his Love Maps and the idea of Turning Toward versus Turning Away. Gottman refers to a particularly important issue in relationships called The Four Horsemen and their Antidotes, simply because most couples who are in conflict are seen in at least one of these “Horsemen.”

Cecilie: I like to approach couples/marriage therapy with a lot of curiosity and empathy to better develop an understanding of each person's experience and how it has impacted them to the extent that they are asking for help.

David: I often use Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy because it gets the couple talking “to” each other rather than “at” each other. When one or the other begins talking to me in the room, I often tell them to look at their spouse or partner and talk to them rather than me. Another rather easy tool is to help each member of the couple understand their partner's Love Language, a concept taught by Gary Chapman.

Cecilie: I introduce “fair fighting rules” to establish healthy and respectful communication in the session, and encourage this practice outside of the session. Clients learn to recognize defensive and counterattack statements, as well as when a person's bias and expectations intrude on other people's feelings. We also practice taking personal responsibility and how to listen to feedback.

David: I can tell a client is making meaningful progress in couples/marriage counseling when they show signs of really understanding each other in conversation — not just hearing each other, but comprehending what their partner is meaning as well as feeling.

Cecilie: Progress is occurring when clients can identify the strengths and values of each other, accept feedback, practice healthy boundaries, and feel comfortable bringing up difficult topics.

David: Clients can supplement their time in couples/marriage counseling by making sure their time together has both “quality” and “quantity.” I typically give homework and things to practice during the week, and each session begins with asking how their practice went.

Cecilie: The couple can use the time outside of sessions to practice new routines, use fair fighting rules during communication, and take time to enjoy each others' company.

David: To prepare for your first couples/marriage counseling session, I would encourage you to jot down some notes, in writing so you are prepared, of what specific things you feel the need for in your relationship, i.e. when and what you argue the most about, what you do when upset, and what works as well as what doesn't work in resolving conflict. Quite often, you have the answer and simply haven't figured it out yet. I have been known to say, “There is an expert in this room and I am not it,” meaning I will do the best I can to help you discover the answer that may be within you already.

Cecilie: Clients need to be present and agree to attend therapy. Having a comfortable and private space is important, as well as making sure the online platform works on your device. Be prepared to answer a wide variety of questions for the assessment, which might not have a lot to do with the primary problem. Also, knowing any medications and their dosage is really helpful. But overall, just take a deep breath and be open and honest about the problems you are experiencing.