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In 1969, Swiss-American Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross theorized that there are five universal stages of grief: denial and seclusion, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages have since become a widely recognized framework for understanding how people process heartbreaking loss.
However, grief is an incredibly personal experience and these stages don’t necessarily occur in a fixed order. They can happen in any order, overlap, or even repeat, lasting for carrying durations. You might experience denial, grow increasingly angry, or sink into despair. You might also encounter emotions that fall outside these categories.
For many, the anger stage of grief feels particularly challenging. It’s common to assign blame to a person, circumstance, or event yourself, for the loss. While anger is a natural part of the grieving process for many, there effective ways to work through these complex emotions.
The Anger Stage of Grief
The anger stage of grief often emerges as a person begins to accept the reality of their loss. This natural response may be directed at others, like doctors or family, oneself, or at a higher power, like God. Anger can manifest outwardly, prompting questions like, “Why did this happen?” Blaming others can serve as a coping mechanism, providing a sense of control in the face of helplessness or disbelief—especially after a sudden or unexpected loss.
Common Emotional Reactions When Grief Becomes Anger
When grief manifests as anger, a person may experience a range of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, including:
- Assigning blame to doctors, family members, oneself, or a higher power
- Feeling aggressive, irritable, rageful, frustrated, and impatient
- Verbal or physical outbursts
- Seeking revenge or retribution
- Feeling misunderstood or helpless
- Feeling a sense of helplessness and an overwhelming loss of control
- Viewing circumstances through a pessimistic or cynical lens
- Ignoring personal hygiene
- Abusing substances like nicotine, alcohol, or drugs
- Acting impulsively or destructively, including self-harm
- Questioning God or spiritual beliefs
How to Manage Anger and Grief
Grief and its stages are not always linear. Even if you feel you’ve moved past anger, it may resurface unexpectedly. Having the proper tools and support can help you navigate these emotions effectively. Here are a few tips to help.
1. Identify the root cause of your anger.
Grief and anger often come hand-in-hand, and understanding the source of your anger is the first step toward managing it. According to social worker Kriss Kevorkian, Ph.D., it’s important to ask: “Am I angry about the situation, the person who died, or perhaps even God?” A grief counselor can help you uncover these answers and develop healthy coping strategies.
Kevorkian goes on to explain that anger may result from the fact that “the person now has to deal with life on their own since a loved one has died.” For instance, an adult child grieving a parent may feel overwhelmed by the loss of shared milestones, such as raising children or celebrating life events. This is a lot to process — and feelings of overwhelm can easily manifest as anger.
2. Dig into other emotions—what else are you feeling?
Anger is often a secondary emotion, masking deeper feelings like sadness or fear. Melissa Hudson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, advises slowing down to ask, “What is my sadness? What is my fear? These questions and, more importantly, the answers will highlight what concerns you are still working with regarding your grief.” Acknowledging these underlying emotions can provide clarity and support healing.
3. Lean into your pain.
With the right support—whether from a therapist, trusted friend, or both—allow yourself to fully feel your emotions. Avoiding or suppressing them can lead to unresolved feelings that resurface later. “When we suppress feelings, stuff them, or ignore them, they don’t go away; they are just unresolved,” says Hudson. “Unfortunately, there is no going around and skipping hard feelings. There is only going through it to reach acceptance. So face it, name it, feel it, and you will have it behind you sooner than later.”
4. Practice grounding techniques.
When emotions feel overwhelming, grounding exercises can help you regain focus. Take 10 deep breaths, drink a cold glass of water, or concentrate on another sensory experience, like how the ground beneath your feet feels and looks.
5. Find healthy outlets for your anger.
Redirecting your anger into physical or creative activities can help provide relief and a sense of control. Physical outlets like walking, running, or yoga can help release pent-up energy, while creative outlets like journaling or painting allow for emotional expression and clarity.
By using these strategies, you can navigate the complexities of anger and grief, gradually moving toward healing and acceptance.
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How to Support An Angry Grieving Person
When someone’s grief manifests as anger, it can be difficult for those around them who may be bearing the brunt of the aggression and blame. If someone you know is expressing anger and grief, here are a few things you can do to help.
- Validate their feelings. Sometimes just acknowledging a person’s feelings is helpful. You can let your loved one know that it’s okay to feel angry, and that the emotions are a natural part of the grieving process. Avoid judgment or attempting to rationalize their emotions. Just listen and affirm their feelings to help create a safe space. Remember to take care of yourself, too. Grief should never be used as an excuse for abuse or violence.
- Let them know you are there for them. Sometimes, just sitting silently with a person or hugging them can be more powerful than words. Allow them to guide interactions.
- Offer tangible help. You can offer to do things like running errands or preparing meals to lighten their load. Tailor your support to their needs.
Final Thoughts
The anger stage of grief is a natural, though challenging, part of the grieving process. By understanding the root of your anger, exploring underlying emotions, and allowing yourself to feel the pain with the right support, you can move through this stage in a healthier way. Remember, navigating anger and grief takes time and self-compassion, but it is a vital step toward healing and acceptance. To help you through anger and grief, consider seeking the support of a therapist.
