Ask a therapist with Alexandra Cromer, LPC

It can be confusing to feel lonely in a marriage. After all, many of us spend each day near our partners—sharing meals, visiting family, caring for children, even sleeping in the same bed. So how is it possible to feel lonely with someone right beside you?

The truth is, it’s more common than you might think. Many people experience loneliness in marriage. It’s a complex issue, but we’ll explore why it happens, how to talk about it, and what you and your partner can do to reconnect and feel closer again.

Why People Feel Lonely in Marriage

There are many reasons why loneliness can creep into a marriage. Here are some of the most common ones I see:

  • Busy schedules that keep couples from truly checking in with each other (think “two ships passing in the night”)
  • Changing values. Sometimes partners simply grow in different directions over the years
  • Lack of intimacy, whether physical (like less sex or touch) or emotional intimacy
  • Mental health struggles affecting one or both partners
  • Poor conflict resolution that leaves issues unresolved
  • Unmet needs within the relationship

This sense of disconnection rarely appears overnight. Instead, distance tends to grow slowly, bit by bit. I often tell clients to imagine it like a papercut: One is minor and heals quickly, but a thousand papercuts can cause real pain and feel overwhelming to fix.

Your First Step: Self-Reflection

Overcoming loneliness in marriage begins with understanding yourself. Many marital struggles stem from unmet needs, so take some time to consider what’s missing for you. For example:

  • Has your spouse stopped asking about your day?
  • Do your conversations revolve only around logistics? (“They’re coming to look at our HVAC at noon tomorrow.” “Can you pick up the kids after soccer practice?” “Are we going to see your mom on Saturday?”)
  • Has your partner been traveling a lot, leaving you to handle everything at home?

Problems with conflict resolution are also common and can create distance. Sometimes couples argue but never circle back to talk things through. Without communication, it’s easy to fill in the blanks with your own story (“She doesn’t really care about me”), even if that’s not true.

Intellectual differences can also cause a divide. I’m seeing this more often in today’s political climate, where people hold strong, sometimes opposing, values. People change over time, and those changes can challenge a marriage.

Whatever your situation, it’s important to pause and reflect on what’s missing for you.

Also, consider your own role in the dynamic. Even if your needs aren’t being met, it’s not all on your partner. Maybe you’ve struggled to communicate or express what you need. You don’t have to have all the answers, but understanding where your feelings are coming from will help you communicate more clearly.

How to Talk About Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage

Opening up about loneliness can feel overwhelming, but honest communication is a key step toward reconnecting. And if you’re reading this, that’s likely your goal. Here’s what I recommend:

1. Name what’s getting in the way.

Gently point out specific barriers you’ve noticed. For example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been working late a lot, so we haven’t had time to catch up at the end of the day.”

2. Share your feelings using “I” statements.

Express how you feel without blaming your partner. For example: “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend time together in the evenings.”

3. Listen to understand, not just to respond.

Focus on really hearing your partner, not just waiting for your turn to talk. If things get heated, suggest taking a short break and returning to the conversation after 15 minutes.

4. Be curious, not accusatory.

Ask open questions to understand your partner’s perspective. For example: “When I try to be affectionate, it seems like you pull away. Is there something I’m missing?”

5. Be clear about what you need.

State your needs specifically. For example: “I’d like us to have a regular date night twice a month,” or “I need us to talk things through after an argument.”

6. Frame it as a team effort.

Remind each other that you’re in this together. Use language like, “How can we work on this as a team?” instead of making it one person’s responsibility to fix.

7. Avoid sweeping generalizations.

Stay away from statements like, “You never meet my needs,” or “Everything is bad in our marriage.” These only shut down productive conversation and make it harder to reconnect.

4 Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner

Even if you’re feeling lonely and marriage feels tough right now, it is possible to rebuild closeness. Both partners need to be open to change and willing to put in the effort. Here are some practical ways to reconnect with your spouse:

1. Make time for real conversations.

Set aside dedicated, distraction-free time to talk about your relationship. It doesn’t have to be hours, but don’t try to squeeze it in when you’re busy or distracted. Give your conversation the attention it deserves.

2. Schedule quality time together.

Think back to when you last felt truly connected. Was it sharing a meal, cuddling on the couch, or doing something fun together? Plan activities you both enjoy and make them a regular part of your routine. Consider what makes each of you feel loved and appreciated-whether it’s quality time, acts of service, or physical touch.

3. Explore different forms of intimacy.

Intimacy isn’t just about sex; It’s about feeling close in lots of ways. Try small gestures, like making dinner, initiating a hug, planning a game night, or buying tickets for something you both look forward to. Mix it up and find what works for both of you.

4. Use technology to stay connected.

A quick, thoughtful text during the day can go a long way, but don’t let it be your only effort. Consider using tools like the Paired app, which offers daily questions and quizzes to spark meaningful conversations and strengthen your bond, even when life gets busy.

Can Couples Therapy Help?

Absolutely. If loneliness in your marriage continues, consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in couples work. A couples therapist can help you identify unhelpful patterns in your relationship and guide you in developing strategies to reconnect.

I also recommend individual therapy, as it can make couples therapy even more effective. In couples counseling, both partners are the clients, but having your own therapist gives you space to process your feelings and take care of your own well-being. Even if your partner isn’t willing to try couples therapy, individual therapy can still be a valuable resource for you.

Therapist’s Final Note

I’m seeing more and more couples struggling with loneliness in their marriages. The world feels overwhelming right now, and that stress can easily spill into our closest relationships. But it is possible to listen to each other, meet one another’s needs, and rebuild intimacy—putting you back on a path to feeling as close and connected as ever.

Couples therapy can help you work on these things together, while individual counseling gives you space to understand your own needs and wants. Many marriages successfully move through periods of loneliness. Remember to notice and celebrate even the small steps forward along the way.